Met Gala Rant

Last night was the famed Met Gala, by far one of my favorite fashion events of the year, and like most things some people just had to go and ruin it.

Kate Upton: Are you a matador? Did someone tell you the theme was shitty Spanish costumes?

NPH: I love you but you like a sad clown. It looks like you put on your pants and realized they were too small, and then put on your coat and realized it was too big, and it made you sad. It also looks like you got lazy and left your makeup on from “Hedwig and the Angry Inch.” Trust me I get it, I have gone to bed with my mascara on oh too many times but the only person who sees me is the pigeon that lives on my windowsill — even he judges me.

Katie Holmes: Seems as if you got drunk and rolled around in my grandma’s curtains and then jumped in a bucket of Sunny-D.

Sandra Lee: HOLY SHIT GIRL! WHAT DID YOU DO?! WHAT DID YOU DO?!

Shailene Woodley: I know you are all earthy and make your own cheese and whatnot, but your dress looks like you took a sheer cloth and glued on some leaves you saved from last fall.

Kirsten Dunst: I do not care if Rodarte made that dress out of gold, it looks ridiculous. Also, what makes you think you are cool enough for the dark side? They wouldn’t want you and your silly dress.

Rita Ora: Fucked up ballerina on crack, Natalie’s Portman’s character from Black Swan would like to borrow it.

In conclusion, if I ever got the chance to go to the ball of all balls I would take a page from Sarah Silverman’s book and wear a big ass beautiful ball gown… And of course grab my date’s ass like there aren’t dozens of photographers standing behind me.

 

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