GURL, what is going on right now??!?!?!?!?! You married Benji Madden last night…
Did you know that? Benji. Madden. Are you aware of who he is? Are they drugging you? Did he maybe slip you something 7 months ago? And has continued to slip you something everyday for 7 months? The length of this bizzaro relationship? Did Nicole Richie promise you something wonderful? That once you marry a Madden you are let into the Garden of Eden or some shiz like that?
You know you’re Cameron Diaz, right? You remember? CAMERON DIAZ. Check the birth certificate. Better yet, just google your name. You know he used to be (maybe still is?) in some weird punk/emo/tried not to be pop but was a pop band? And he’s covered in tattoos? I guess one could like that tattoo look, but I mean COVERED.
Do you recall all the guys you’ve dated? Or all the guys you could date? Did he erase your memory? Maybe with one of those memory erasing things from Men In Black? He could randomly be friends with Will Smith somehow to have gotten it. Or maybe with one of Will’s weirdo kids — those Smiths are everywhere. Actually, yes that makes more sense. Anywho, let me just remind you of some of the fellas that have been in your most private of areas…
(Oscar winner slash sexual being.)
(HE WROTE SONGS ABOUT YOU, LIKE REALLY GOOD SONGS!!!!!)
(Debatable if this one’s any better than Benjiiiii, still though. Small man = small picture.)
And those are just the ones that were well documented. You and I both know you’ve had many, many more.
Listen, I’m not sure what they’re telling you or doing to you for this to have happened but I’m just going to be straight with you — I think you could do better. THERE. I said it. It’s out there. YOU. COULD. DO. BETTER. Much, much, much, much, much, much better.
While I don’t know either of you on a personal intimate level, and he could be the sweetest man in the world, I must tell you, you two do not look good on paper. And that’s really all that matters.
I wish you all the best, truly. We love you. But please don’t come crying to me when this ends in disastrously epic proportions. I hope this message reaches you somehow and you are able to comprehend it so we can have you back to dating in your league by year’s end.
(God I hope you got a prenup)