THE FAB FIVE

imageCOLLEEN:
Age: I will not be celebrating another birthday until I’m in my third decade.
About: I am less ashamed than I should be that I can quote the movie Eurotrip start to finish.
Likes: Giraffes, Miranda Lambert’s pink guitar, seashores, blackberry wine, pianos, camouflage, huskies, camping, weapons, mason jars, television shows involving food, Anthony Bourdain.
Loathes: Clowns, awkward situations, people who ask me if I play basketball, squirrels, flying umbrellas on a beach during a windy day, breaking both arms at the same time.

babychree1_2CHREE:
Age: A lady never owns up to it—but since I’m no lady, 24.
About: I don’t trust people who have handlebar mustaches or don’t like cheese.
Likes: Medium-rare steak, the Golden Girls, ginger gays, Jane Austen, Irish whiskey, Michael Fassbender’s face, Michael Fassbender’s penis, ‘90s movies starring Liv Tyler, ladies who drink too much, men dressed as ladies who drink too much, old-man music, all-day marathons of WB throwbacks.
Loathes: The Goop, Nicole Kidman’s frozen forehead, Baz Luhrmann directing Nicole Kidman’s frozen forehead and Brussels sprouts (I don’t care how much bacon you put on ‘em, they still taste like someone straight-up farted in your mouth).

THERESA:
Age:
14 years of sobriety + 10 years of serious alcoholic intake
About: I am in a deep and meaningful relationship with Diet Coke.
Likes: Classy television shows, trashy reality shows, beer, Justin Timberlake’s endless entertaining prowess, my grandma’s macaroni and gravy, Leo’s gorgeous mug, day-drinking, Hampton Bays, celebrity scandals, the Kennedys, Long Island everything.
Loathes: Cats, everything about Kristen Stewart, country music and all that comes along with it, stupid people, liars, exercising, oh and cats.

SAM:
Age: Throwing serious shade since 1989
About: I think half of my brain is devoted to obscure pop-culture facts
Likes: Trashy romance novels, leather leggings, period pieces, men in outerwear, Alexander Skarsgard’s abs, Ryan Gosling’s everything, shiny things, passionfruit cocktails, puppies, British accents, nerd movies/TV (read: GOT, LOTR, Harry Potter), awards-show season
Loathes: Wedge sneakers, reality TV, Napoleon complexes, families who name all their kids with the same first letter, couples with joint Facebooks (really?), sauerkraut (a.k.a. pickled vom).

170izzyIZZY:
Age: According to taxi drivers, 16. According to the state of New York, 24.
About: I truly believe that I was born in the wrong time period. My hair would have been bomb in the 1970s and I clean like a 1950s housewife minus the husband.
Likes: Photojournalism, Law & Order, Russia/British spy novels, period dramas, Mr. Knightly, men who wear tweed, the word schlep, being lazy, big dogs and real hot-chocolate (none of that powdered crap).
Loathes: Math, sheer tops, mustard, people who take themselves too seriously, any country song that includes the phrases “pick-up truck” and “cold beer,” and unfamiliar ovens.

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